From Darkness Comes Light

Trigger Warning
I remember being in the fetal position on the floor. The world was so overstimulating. I had a knife in my hand, and I was trying to convince myself to end it all. I wasn’t scared of dying. No matter what was on the other side, it had to be better than this.
I could feel the weight of the reality I was living in like a second gravitational pull. The voices in my head, the shapes and figures that swirled around me, all distracting me from distinguishing what was real and what was not.
In a plea of desperation, I began to pray. As I prayed, I built up the strength to get on my knees and bow to my maker. God, whom I had mocked and hated. God, who I felt hated me and loathed my existence. God, who I thought tortured me for his own enjoyment.
That was not God.
“…And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lordbut the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lordwas not in the earthquake:

And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.”

1 Kings 19:11-12

The longer I prayed, the more the chaos calmed. My own personal tempest was settling. I stayed on my knees and prayed to a different God. Not the vengeful God who hated me, but the God who loved me. My Heavenly Father. The creator of my soul. A Father that knew and loved me perfectly. He had always been there. He was just waiting for me to let him in.

I’d like to say that from that day on, I had perfect faith. But that would be a lie. Even now, I struggle with some parts of organized religion. But I have enough faith. The process of conversion took years, but because I at least wanted to believe, God blessed me. When I was in my darkest hour, I felt the most perfect peace.

And this is how I lived. If it weren’t for that cry for help and an answer from God, I’m almost sure I would have ended my life that night. I was 12.

Find what works for you. For me, I found peace through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But for you, it might be Catholicism. Maybe Hindi or Islam. Even if it is just a personal relationship with some higher power. I can guarantee you, whatever supreme being you believe in, they wouldn’t want you to take your own life.

You are here for a reason. Your life and experiences are uniquely yours. Your story can help someone else heal.

Own your story. Tomorrow needs you.


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