I’m turning 21 on April 3rd.
Four weeks ago I felt prompted to start my mission papers. I finished them in three days. The whole process took me exactly one week from my first interview until my last and my stake president submitting it.
I was planning on throwing a huge party to read my call to everyone.
But just in case the answer was no, I didn’t tell anyone who didn’t absolutely need to know that I was thinking about serving a mission.
Today I was called into my stake president’s office.
“They said no.”
How do you react to that?
Answer: You cry.
Sob, actually. And I don’t cry. So those gross weeping sounds and shaking really scared me. I walked out of church, went to the temple, and yelled at God. Seemed like the best course of action at the time.
When I first got the prompting to start my papers, I refused. Going on a mission was the last thing on my mind. But the prompting stayed. So I texted my bishop. I began to entertain the thought of leaving. Everyone I knew had already left and most were home. Some were engaged and getting married. Some of my friends were married with kids. I was on track to graduate in December. Why not live my life completely out of order from everyone else?
To make a long story short, since beginning this process a few weeks ago, my life has been up and down. I’ve felt some of the most intense excitement and undeniable fear of my life. I’ve had moments where everything in my life felt like it was falling apart so the best option would be to leave on a mission. But then it didn’t happen.
At this point I want to share something that will be motivational and uplifting. But right now I want to just sit in my feelings. My heart is broken in a way I had never anticipated.
I will say this. I don’t regret any of it. For like the first time in my life, I have been listening to God. Has everything been perfect? Nope. Have I been upset? Definitely. But even though it looks like things aren’t going anywhere for me, deep down, I feel peace. I know that every step I am taking is preparing me for something greater.