How God Saved Me Through A Grumpy Old Man 

I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was 7 years old. I’ve attempted to take my life three times, and thought about it obsessively for over three years. If I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I was finding someway to hurt myself, big or small. 
Due to my condition I would project what I thought people felt about me onto them. I became paranoid and lonely. Even those friends closest to me couldn’t penetrate this thick barrier that held me back. 
I took medications. A lot. I saw a counselor. Often. I came to an understanding of myself, but I still couldn’t cope. My doctor suggested more drugs. I was already on 5. 
So we found an alternative. 
Some people (especially in apartments) lie about their mental status in order to get a comfort animal. This is rude, offensive, and so incredibly harmful to those who actually need them. 
And those people exist. 
Since getting my comfort animal, I have not contemplated suicide once. It never crosses my mind. I haven’t purposefully hurt myself and rarely have even the desire to do so. I’ve learned to accept my disability and actually live a mostly normal life.  
When I feel anxious, I cuddle my little Koda. He will snuggle into me and let me hold him as long as I need. He will lay on top of me if I start hyperventilating. He will give me kisses if I’m crying. Every night he lays in my arms until I fall asleep. If I wake up from a nightmare, he is there to help me through it.
Where the sound of breathing and chewing used to be triggers for me, the sounds he makes relaxes me. My favorite thing is to listen to him softly snoring in his sleep. 
His big brown eyes look at me with unending love. I have never felt alone since having him. 
Yes, he can be a brat. Yes, he is a grumpy little cuss who nips and growls. We are working on it. But he is my little cuss. He is a little cuss who broke down my barriers with a wet nose and dog breath. He is a little cuss who helped me live again. To actually live for the first time in my life. 
Koda is not my pet. He is not just a comfort animal. He is an extension of myself. He is a source of peace and stability. He is my companion and best friend. 

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